Laws of Power
by DarkMayhem
Summary: Brittany fears she's losing Santana to Puck. Santana loves power, so Brittany decides to consult Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power to find a way to win her back. A Last Author Standing contest entry written in earlyish season 2, so AU...and utterly ridiculous.


This was another Last Author Standing entry. The prompt was the following quote: "Conceal your intentions." - Robert Greene. Although it didn't really have to have anything whatsoever to do with Robert Greene's book "The 48 Laws of Power", I thought it'd be funny to actually make it about that book (sort of). You won't have to be familiar with that book, though. It probably is the silliest story I've written, and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I was limited to 1000 characters...and well...it tries to make sense of Brittany's line of thought when there usually isn't much sense to be found there. :)

* * *

Law 26 is the easiest, so that's where I start.

I squirt some soap into my palm and lather up while running my hands under the faucet for a good 30 seconds. I smile proudly at my accomplishment.

Law 26: Keep your hands clean. Check.

I can't wait to tell Santana what I'm doing. She's into people with power, so after I do enough of these maybe I'll be powerful enough to win her back from Puck.

I scan the list the library lady printed out from Wikipedia for me, searching for another law I can check off.

Ooh! Here's one!

I head to the art room and get some construction paper, glue, and safety scissors. In a matter of minutes I've completed Law 25: Re-create yourself. Check.

I smile at the paper Brittany in my hands. I know Santana will love her, too.

Except now I have to uncheck law 26. Unless…I rush to the bathroom, squirt soap into my palm, and run my hands under the faucet for another 30 seconds.

Now what? These are all so hard!

I find one that doesn't look too bad.

"Hey, Kurt!" I call to my gay not-boyfriend when I see him in the hall.

"Hello, Brittany S. Pierce," he greets.

"Can I see your hands?"

His eyebrows raise, but he extends his soft baby hands to me anyway. I frown as I turn first one and then the other over.

"What are you doing?" he asks kindly after I turn his hands over again.

"I'm looking for your thumbscrews."

He blinks. "My…thumbscrews?"

"Yes. I've already checked off Laws 26 and 25," I show him my clean hands and my paper Brittany. "And now I'm working on Law 33." I read off to him, "Discover each man's thumbscrew."

For a moment he looks confused, but then he grins. "The 48 Laws of Power!" He starts talking about how he's read some book by a green person (I wonder if that's the alien who abducted me last year) and blah blah blah. I don't listen to what he's saying, but notice he has really nice lips. I remember them being almost as soft as his hands. They're like perfect lady lips, except that he's not a lady. Besides, he doesn't want to kiss me anymore because he is capital G gay, for real now.

When he finally stops talking, I nod excitedly. "So…I need to find your thumbscrews."

He makes a weird face for a moment and I wonder if his brain hurts like mine does sometimes. Before I can ask, though, he says, "I don't have any with me, but I know I have some at home. If you'd like I can bring you one tomorrow."

I give him a big hug. "Do you think Artie has thumbscrews?"

Kurt smiles. "I'm sure that he does. I'll ask him to bring you one, too." Two should be good enough.

"Thanks, Kurt! You're the best!" I hug him again. I don't want to let go, but he starts to get a little squirmy, so I do.

I've probably messed up Law 26 again, so I head back to the bathroom before going to the cafeteria to check off the next law.

"That's really gross," I inform the lunch lady, pointing to the tray of food she's dishing up.

"It's free, what do you expect," she grunts.

I turn my nose up at it and walk away, sneering until I'm a safe distance away where I stop and grin happily, mentally checking off Law 40: Despise the free lunch.

I've checked off 4 laws now!

I read through the list, frowning at most of them. I don't know any shepherds, so I can't do that one...No, wait, I do! I look around until I see him. I feel bad, but…Santana likes people in power and I really really want her to love me.

So I walk up to Justin Shepherd and hit him in the head.

When he looks at me, wide eyed and kind of hurt looking, I quickly apologize. "Sorry about your sheep." He just looks confused, but I'm sure when he gets home and finds out what happened to them, he'll be really upset. "I can come over and help you get them after school," I inform him.

Law 42. Strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter. Check. Sorry, sheep.

I've messed up my hands again, so I go back to the bathroom to re-do Law 26.

I read over the list. I've never stepped into any powerful men's shoes before, so I've done Law 41. And ooooh! Law 30 applies! All my accomplishments are really effortless, so they more than seem that way! I should be able to count that twice! So I've accomplished…how many things off the list? I'm not sure. But it's got to be enough to impress Santana!

I re-do Law 26 again just to be on the safe side.

"Santana! Guess what!" I call out to her as I rush to join her at her locker.

She raises one eyebrow in the cute way she does when she's trying not to look impressed. She must recognize that I'm powerful now. "You decided to run away and join the circus but got lost and ended up in Mr. Johnson's shop class again."

"No, but good guess-that happened just last week!"

She smiles.

"We can totally kiss now," I tell her.

"Yeah," she agrees. "We could before."

"No, but I mean like for real. I'm following the laws of power so I'm powerful now. We can be together!"

She just gives me a weird look. And then she rolls her eyes, shakes her head, and walks away.

I don't understand what went wrong until I look at the list again and notice Law #3. Conceal your intentions.

I totally broke that law. Guess I shouldn't have told her.

I'll have to remember that when I try again tomorrow.

I head to the bathroom to re-complete Law 26.


End file.
